Recently I received some follow up correspondence from a man and his wife that I've been coaching for a while. The conversation was noteworthy because it indicated a continuing effort on their part to internalize specific teachings and practices, which is a very positive indicator for growth and development. I liked the content enough it just seemed natural to share it.
"We asked you recently what parents can do to help their children be emotionally intelligent," noted Andy and Marla. "You said that anything parents or caregivers can do to help their children feel safe would be good start. When it is appropriate, we've been telling people exactly that, including physical safety, safety to have and talk about problems, and especially safety to have and share feelings. Basically anything you can do to let them feel loved. Then we saw these two comments on a relationship advice column and realized they were perfect demonstrations."
First Example
"One thing my father did all throughout my teen years was take a walk with me after dinner. He said HE needed to get some more exercise and was more likely to get it if he had company.
I enjoyed having 45 minutes of his time every night. I knew I would have a chance to talk to my dad every evening. More to the point, I knew that time was important to him [and] I was important to him."
Second Example
"I was very fortunate to have a mother who I called the 'kitchen table psychologist,' because she was able to tap into our emotions to enable us to vent. She was nonjudgmental and understood the basic need to express our emotions, and perhaps problem solve, but as soon as the words were out the 'problems' were lessened by just putting them out on the table. She would say, 'There is nothing that bad that we cannot talk about it' and it was usually not that bad.
She would usually end the discussion with a humorous anecdote, usually about herself, and we would have a good laugh at the end of the conversation. That was so great to have."
Thoughts in Response
I was so pleased with the perspective Marla and Andy brought that I replied almost immediately.
"You are right on point with these two excerpts. I read them both and thought as you did. Both create space for kids to feel connected, and accepted, and thereby at least adequate if not whole.
The more and more I work with people, the clearer and clearer it becomes that we all get a download of human dysfunction, but if we are adequately nurtured, it does not have the devastating consequences it would otherwise have."
To which Andy and Marla replied:
"While we know our parents were incapable of such actions, we believe we can make the world a better place by engaging in similar 'safe-making' behaviors for and with those around us."
Seeing True
All most of us really need is to know we are whole. While we must do this for ourselves, we can offer to others what we need to learn. Loving, nurturing, unconditional behavior is indispensable.
Seeing True in Action
Research shows that safety in adult relationships requires approximately seven positive reinforcements for every negative one. With children, it is estimated to be a ratio of seventeen to one.
If we wanted to be part of the healing of the world, and therefore within ourselves, it would be useful information to know how we behave with such behaviors.
For the next week, keep tally of each negative interaction with those who are important in your life. So too with positive interactions. See how this feels for yourself.
And if you are really bold, track the negative and positive comments you say to yourself.
You may be very surprised by what you learn.
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